"Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero!" ~ Horace. Minnesotan (US). Proud Army wife and mother. My blog speaks for itself. My blog is as inactive as I am currently. Feel free to message me! Blog: beingthelightinthedark.wordpress.com
Growing up, I believed in impossible things. I believed in miracles. I believed things would eventually work themselves out. Now, however, I always find myself thinking of the worst possible scenarios, some not even possible.
This flip has been somewhat gradual over the past decade or so, driven by the multitude of challenges faced over the years and my bodies own…
I knew whatever was infront of me was happening and then the police vehicles came to a screechinghalt in front of me like they were setting up a blockade. Everywhere were
flashes, a siren sounding and a stretched-out roar. Get on the ground. Get on
the ground now. Then I just knew.
And you are not the guy
and still you fit the description because there is only one guy who is always
the guy fitting the description.
I left my client’s house
knowing I would be pulled over. I knew. I just knew. I opened my briefcase on
the passenger seat, just so they could see. Yes officer rolled around on my
tongue, which grew out of a bell that could never ring because its emergency
was a tolling I was meant to swallow.
In a landscape drawn from
an ocean bed, you can’t drive yourself sane–so angry you are crying. You can’t
drive yourself sane. This motion wears a guy out. Our motion is wearing you out
and still you are not that guy.
Then flashes, a siren, a
stretched-out roar–and you are not the guy and still you fit the description
because there is only one guy who is always the guy fitting the description.
Get on the ground. Get on
the ground now. I must have been speeding. No, you weren’t speeding. I wasn’t
speeding? You didn’t do anything wrong. Then why are you pulling me over? Why
am I pulled over? Put your hands where they can be seen. Put your hands in the
air. Put your hands up.
Then you are stretched out
on the hood. Then cuffed. Get on the ground now.
Each time it begins in the
same way, it doesn’t begin the same way, each time it begins it’s the same.
Flashes, a siren, the stretched-out roar–
Maybe because home was a
hood the officer could not afford, not that a reason was needed, I was pulled
out of my vehicle a block from my door, handcuffed and pushed into the police
vehicle’s back seat, the officer’s knee pressing into my collarbone, the
officer’s warm breath vacating a face creased into the smile of its own private
joke.
Each time it begins in the
same way, it doesn’t begin the same way, each time it begins it’s the same.
Go ahead hit me
motherfucker fled my lips and the officer did not need to hit me, the officer
did not need anything from me except the look on my face on the drive across
town. You can’t drive yourself sane. You are not insane. Our motion is wearing
you out. You are not the guy.
This is what it looks
like. You know this is wrong. This is not what it looks like. You need to be
quiet. This is wrong. You need to close your mouth now. This is what it looks
like. Why are you talking if you haven’t done anything wrong?
And you are not the guy
and still you fit the description because there is only one guy who is always
the guy fitting the description.
In a landscape drawn from
an ocean bed, you can’t drive yourself sane–so angry you can’t drive yourself
sane.
The charge the officer
decided on was exhibition of speed. I was told, after the fingerprinting, to
stand naked. I stood naked. It was only then I was instructed to dress, to
leave, to walk all those miles back home.
And still you are not the
guy and still you fit the description because there is only one guy who is
always the guy fitting the description.
We all deserve joy. Pleasure and peace and love, too.
Welcome your anger and sadness and grief when they finds you. Sit in it, swim through it, give love to what you’ve lost and the bits of your life left behind. Go slowly. Breathe.
Then remember you deserve joy! And let yourself bask in it when it finds you. Dance in it, laugh in it, grown in it. Give love to all that you have and all that you are. Linger in it. Rest.
I am definitely far from the “Christian” community compared to where I was a decade ago (Still love the Lord, not so much the Western Church. Long story…)
Still crazy I met my husband on this site and it’s going on 10.5 years and 5 children (#5 due next week!)
Essentially a time capsule for a moment in my life that I can look back on but have moved past.
“Can You Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say?”
“Nobody Right, Nobody Wrong” Michael Franti & Spearhead
If I’ve learned anything in the last decade, it’s the lasting impact of words. I used to be extremely careless with mine and have paid for it. Now, I’m currently in the process of working out what is too much and what is not enough. Do I stay silent or speak up? How much do I share or keep to myself? Who should I tell or not tell? Is it…
Something I’ve been contemplating lately is how I’ve wronged others over the years, especially the past decade as I struggled with myself and YHWH.
I’ve lost a lot of relationships over the years, some I didn’t think would end no matter the hardship or growing pains. Then one day I read somewhere: in someone else’s story, we were the villain at one point or another. The truth of that struck me…
I’ve been asking myself this for a couple years now. I have not arrived at any conclusions yet. The main theme I keep taking away as I try to figure this out: don’t let fear stop you.
Fear is such a debilitating thing. It’s the murderer of dreams. It’s the parking park of life. It’s also overly used.
At its base, fear is useful. It helps us pay more attention to what’s going on around us,…
Everything that has happened up to now has led you to this point in your life, good or bad. Mistakes suck, but look at how much has been learned. Look at how far you have come. Joy and peace are possible in the present and the future despite whatever past you have.
You may have scars. Those scars are a testimony of strength, of everything you’ve gone through.…
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